Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Please Advise!!!

Well, this post topic has been flopping around in my head for a while now and I thought I would Ask for some advice from all of my new friends here in blogland. 
How do you get from A (lack of consistency) to B (consistently consistent hehe).
Now I know many will say, it takes time and communication and so on...I know that.  What I need help on is being submissive when he isn't consistent. 

Last year we did a complete kitchen renovation.  It was horrible and wonderful at the same time.  Floors torn out, cabinets gone, the stove and fridge moved out of the kitchen which meant no cooking for the duration of the renovations.  However, in 1 week our kitchen was ripped apart and my husband was able to complete everything from building my new cabinets and laying new tile floor etc..in that time! It was amazing, he is amazing!  When he puts his mind to something it really gets done and not sloppily either.  Anyways, there were only two things missing from my new kitchen- 2 cabinet drawers, there was space for them but we ran out of time and it just wasn't a priority since I had another place for silverware and dish towels.  I was ecstatic to finally have the kitchen of my dreams!  So for 7 months we went on and one day while I was gone to the store I came home to find that my sweet husband had built my new drawers.  they are fabulous, very close to the dishwasher so it makes putting silverware away quick now.  The only problem was I was so used to going to the other side of the kitchen everytime i needed a spoon or a fork, now that I had new drawers, I still found myself walking across the kitchen to get to the old silverware drawer.  Finally I started realizing and stopping myself midway across the kitchen and going to the new drawer, but that took over a week to get to that point. even now I find myself sometimes turning to go to the old drawer instead of the new one.  Why?
The new drawer is beautiful, organized and efficient.  The old drawer (which isn't even in the kitchen anymore, just the memory) was ugly, cramped and took quite a bit of time and effort to accomplish a simple task, getting a spoon!  So why would i still be heading toward that old drawer after all this time?
Habit, I guess.  For 14 and some odd years I have used that old drawer, now that there is something new and better available I love it (the new one) and I wouldn't want to go back to the old inefficient way of the past, but using that new drawer just hasn't become automatic, yet.  It will but it will just take a few more trips half-way across the kitchen before it starts to register.
Now, I know that this is probably the way my husband feels about ttwd, it's new. It's beautiful! It's much more efficient than fighting or silent treatment for days.  But he's in that in between stage, that transition between forming a new habit and letting go of an old "drawer".  The problem comes in because it leads to what feels like (inconsistency) almost like saying you're going to do something but then do not follow through.  So as the submissive, what do I do?  Do I take the reins for a bit and say "hey remember what you said you would do?" or do i sit back and watch him make pointless trips half way across the kitchen over and over?  I know he will get there but in the meantime, how do i handle the feelings that follow with inconsistency? Should I even discuss it with him? We've talked about it before but I stopped nagging when we started ttwd and I certainly don't want to start nagging about this, so I am looking for advice my sweet friends.  Will my submissive attitude be enough to break the old habit eventually or is it appropriate to have this conversation yet again?  Should I start some sort of journal and present it to him once a week? I don't know, Help!!!

Thanks
Sassafrass

12 comments:

  1. Hey Sass :)

    I really loved your kitchen analogy, it's very fitting here. It is a break of old habits and learning new ones. I do believe that nagging won't help. It makes them switch off, I know when the kids start to nag, I start to get selective hearing lol

    But you said yourself, it takes communication and lots of it. The same as you're learning so is he. Ill tell you what we do that helps, maybe it will help you too :)

    We have a sit down every week. Every Friday we have " feed back Friday" without distraction, without kids, without telly. We sit and talk about how the week went, what things happened and how each of us dealt with a certain situation and how we can do it better next time. We also talk about what our expectations are and how each one of us would have liked a situation to be handled.

    This way no one is nagging, no one is blaming the other and it's not I. The heat of the moment, so we are both calm and have had time to think about a problem or issue we have. Usually when a couple of days has past, we can start to thi k more rationally about the issue a d also try to put ourselves In each others shoes.

    Sometimes just stepping away from a situation, and really thinking about what happened, why it happened and also maybe why the other reacted the way they did and eventually chose to actions they did, really helps.

    I've said this a few times to a friend, when we speak of Inconsistnecy, that men deal with situations differently to woman. Woman are natural multitaskers. We have to be, kids, house, shopping, docs apps, and so on. We have to switch from one situation to the next in an instant. Men on the other hand, don't have these issues. Usually they get up go to work, and come back when everything is sorted and dinner on the table. Now as HOH they have to also switch from work mode to home mode and deal with some tricky situations. It takes time and sometimes they're just as clueless as we are about how to deal with it.

    I've had to learn that he doesn't always have the answer and sometimes he needs time to think about how to deal with me. Decide what course of action he should take and so on :)

    Sorry such a long post, I hope some of my rambelings help, even a little :)

    Hugs x

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    1. Missy,
      Yes your ramblings, did help. lol I think the sit down chat once a week is a wonderful idea. he might be up for it. We did talk some after he read my post and I think he understood where I was coming from. Thanks for the extra counseling too! ;)

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  2. Hi! Glad you led me to your blog :) I can say we still struggle with this. At first, I would take the approach of "you're not doing it right" more or less lol...which I will say is not the way to go :) It is very important for you to be able to address your needs, and what I have found to work the best (for us, of course everyone is different) is if I just ask him if we can talk about my/our feelings, and when I express my lack of submissive feelings in a calm non-blaming manner, he is very receptive. If I say to him that I need his help, he is now very willing to discuss what my needs are and take it from there. But I have learned that once I tell him my concerns, it really is up to him to decide how to handle it, even when I get antsy and impatient. I try to remind myself to let go, and if I'm still having difficulty, then we will talk again. I used to be demanding about it, and it kind of pushed him away. Growing pains I guess. However, tonight, as I write this, I am not feeling very submissive, and I don't know exactly how I'm going to handle it yet, so I know how you feel! Hang in there.

    Hugs,
    Marie

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    1. Hi Marie, so glad you found my blog!
      Yes, I took the "You're not doing it right" approach the first 2 times we tried ttwd, and I really think that was one of the main reasons why it didn't work then (plus some other things). We did get to talk about it, and I feel like we are growing from that conversation. Thanks.

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  3. Hey Sass,

    It will take time. We had these issues in the beginning. H has often said that it takes a while to learn that there's a new way of dealing with things. It is totally like the old drawer and I love your analogy.

    Your suggestion of writing down your thoughts and maybe behaviours and presenting it to him once a week may work but you'd really need to discuss with him how this would benefit both of you.

    Communication on consistency is tricky because it can lead to the HoH feeling like he is failing in his job. Its hard to word it without saying 'you should' or 'you needed to'. Sometimes we need to talk about things before we can fix them but put them in a light that makes it our fault.
    At the end of the day if he is inconsistent it's because we are inconsistent in our behaviour. Guilt gets to me and I apologise for my behaviour. During inconsistent times this can bring a matter to his attention without you 'accusing' him of being inconsistent.

    Either way.... my best advice is COMMUNICATE and APOLOGISE when you have done wrong.

    Hugs and smiles.
    Callie

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    1. Hi Callie,
      Thanks for pointing out that it was my fault to start with, geez whose side are you on :P just kidding. That is so true and he always appreciates when I come to him with an attitude of cooperation and/asking for help rather than blaming. The good news is we did talk and I do feel like we are growing closer to finding our own little niche in ttwd/dd. Thanks again Callie, glad you like the analogy.

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  4. Hi Sass,

    I love the analogy. I see you already have some wonderful advice above. You are going to want to strangle me but patience. It does take time. You are trying to change old habits and behaviours.

    It is very hard to retain submissiveness without consistency from him and consistency is also hard to maintain constantly for both of you. Dominance and submission really do feed off each other. There is no better way to encourage his dominance than by showing him your submission. By doing so you are feeding his masculinity and dominance. Also, encourage him when he does step up. By that I mean, let him know you appreciate him doing so.

    I agree with the others too. Communication really is the key. Make it about how you feel so that it doesn't sound like an accusation.

    Hugs,
    Roz

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    1. Hi, Roz.
      Patience...hmm, what is this "patience" you speak of? I know it stinks, I'm probably one of the most impatient people in the world. I like the idea that my submissiveness can feed his dominance, but we are still trying to find what I do that makes him feel honored and dominant. I know some things I can do to make me feel subbmissive but if it does make him feel his role too then what? The good news is that atleast we are still on the journey.

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  5. All the above comments gave some awesome advice! I don't have much more to say, other than the fact that I agree with them, lol.

    Communication, patience, trust. It takes time, it really does. It can be frustrating as hell, but eventually all that frustration will be SO worth it! :)

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    1. Hi Kenzie,
      There's that silly "P" word again!!! lol Yes it was all wonderful advice, I knew I would get some very genuine advice, it is so nice to know that others care enough to share. Thanks, Kenzie I know it will definitely be worth it, even if it never grows we are already better than we have been before.

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  6. I agree with the not wanting to nag. I didn't have a chance to read the comments above, so if I repeat anything, sorry. For us, I wanted to nag in the beginning, but then I realized that if I nagged him into being dominant, then I would be topping from the bottom.

    For us, we still work with consistency, but I'll share a couple of things that have helped us make steps. One, I thank him every time he takes the time to correct/discipline. I let him know how much it means to me that he loves me enough to help me be a better person.

    Sometimes when I see him debating or unsure of himself, I let him know. "You know, you area allowed to make me stop here." Or "You are allowed to put your foot down right now, and tell me no, even if you're not sure." These instances really helped him to see I was serious about letting him take over. And then he'd take over the situation and be more able to next time.

    And talking. You can have conversations once a week, or once a month without it being nagging. Do it without blame. Just talk openly between the two of you about things you liked how they went, and areas where you would like to see improvements. Ask if he wished he handled it different. If he has no ideas how, give him some if you have any.

    Not sure if these will work for you, but they have helped us move forward in this area, and we are still growing. My last post was even on how we are working to more consistency, so we still have a ways to go, but we are getting there. :)

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  7. Hello Sass, great post and I really like the kitchen drawer analogy! Consistency is a real catch 22. If you are always directing then you are not being the submissive you desire to be, yet if there is a lack of consistency then you are not living the lifestyle you desire. What is a girl to do?

    I can only say that this is a common subject and the advice Es May writes is very good. I will only add that when you do stop to talk, I have said it before, but will say it again, GUYS DON"T TAKE HINTS! Girls are great at understanding what you mean with just the slightest hint. Guys however, require a direct, straight to the point, right between the eyes kind of communication! :-)

    Blessings,
    George

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