Suggestions, Please?

Those of you that have read my blog posts have learned that I am easily swayed by certain friends and family memebers' negativity.  So I just got off the phone with one of my sisters, she's in a foul mood and is making a conscious choice to be pissed.  Pissed at her hubby, children, me, our other sisters and life in general today.  Towards the end of our conversation I told her she seemed to be acting ungrateful and that she shouldn't choose to be pissed cause then she'll just ruin her day...

*Patting myself on the back for my wonderful sisterly advice*

Too bad it wasn't received well and she ended up hanging up the phone on me.  We have our little spats and this will pass, but the last time something like this happened I ended up getting toasted because I let it (the negativity and hatefulness) seep into my own attitude. So I'm going to be proactive.  I'm going to do some things that make me feel submissive, while Foreman is still at work and when he gets home.  So far this is what I've come up with:

Doing something around the house that he would like done but hasn't asked me to do.

Making him a wonderful snack for when he comes home.

Send him a sweet text.

Rub his shoulders when he gets home.

Sit in front of his chair on a pillow on the floor while we watch tv. (He's never asked me to do this, but I love to.  He always rests his hand on my neck or shoulders.

Fix his plate first for dinner ( I usually do this anyway when we are eating at someone else's house or are not eating at the table but tonight I will even while we are at the table.



I have a few others but didn't want to share anything too graphic ;-)

So any suggestions???? 

Courage, and a Toast to the Real Women of Blogland

Dearest Friends,

I haven't posted in quite awhile, partly because of the "busyness" of summer and more recently because I hit a wall.  Not a physical wall, but an emotional one.  With the recent events in blogland "coming to light" I realized that I felt very strongly about the situation and everytime I tried to write or post something unrelated it was like my fingers refused to type anything other than my thoughts on this situation. So without further delay and mainly so I can process it and move on here's my "2 cents" on the topic.  My heart goes out to all involved and hopefully all involved will find healing.

When I first heard about the deception that had occurred, it was from Christina's own confessional blog post. At first I thought, "Wow, that takes some courage" to ask forgiveness and admit a wrong-doing.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized no, it doesn't take courage to do that, it takes the same amount of courage for a bank robber to ask forgiveness from the court right before he is sentenced...

I don't know the whole story, and I won't pretend that I was extremely hurt by her deception; however, how do you supposedly lie to "friends" for years?  I won't go into "Why it is wrong to lie." We all know the answer to that, What I will say is it takes way more courage to be real to start with.  I can't stand to be lied to or have someone steal from me. 

Sooo, let me say this too, if you want to be a friend of mine, please don't pretend to be something you're not, because I won't take it as well as some of the others here in blogland, I might actually get alittle "rowdy" about it.  So please be honest.  We don't have to agree but if we are not honest with ourselves and our friends, then it is all in vain.  Trust is the foundation for any relationship so if you're honest, we're going to get along just fine, otherwise find somewhere else to go, because the "Real Women of Blogland", you know the ones courageous enough to say, "We don't have it all figured out but we're still here and we care."; those of us that are sincere and not playing games with other's emotions, yeah, we don't deserve anymore crappy drama. So go peddle your shit lies somewhere else, because trust me, it will all come to light one day and you'll wish you hadn't lost such wonderful friends by making up stories just to fit in.  This is not just aimed at Christina, it is anyone, (you know who you are) that is not being honest with the community!

I would say I'm sorry if that seems harsh to some of you, but I'm not sorry. It should be harsh, it is a warning.  If one of my children lied to me, I would not coddle them and say lying hurts others (maybe when they were young) but even my youngest who is under 5 knows better and knows that lies come with consequences.  So my warning is harsh, be honest with me or go somewhere else!


So, today I raise my glass (imaginary of course), to all you wonderful ladies out there in blogland the truly courageous women that share their ups and downs with us and stop by to encourage others in their process of striving for a happier marriage. The women that are honest, maybe not about names as just about all of us have "pen" names, but honest about their experiences. 

To you ladies....Cheers, Salud or whatever you're supposed to say during a toast!!!

You've Got A Friend...

Over the past year or so and especially recently, I have made so many wonderful friends here in blogland, we email, comment and post it's been really wonderful...but that's always as far as it has gone...until yesterday.  I finally got to hear the beautiful voice of a friend, not just any friend...another dd wife. 

Scarlet, from Scarlet and Clarks world and I have been emailing for a while and eventually it led to texting and finally yesterday, we got to hear each other's voice for the first time.  At first I was a tad bit anxious, what if she couldn't understand my southern dialect very well, what if we didn't have anything to "talk" about, what if, what if?

Then the moment came...my phone rings, it's her...
Crap, my hands are wet from doing dishes and I can't get to my phone...
So I dry my hands, Get the kiddos occupied for an hour and head outside to call her back...
I dial, it rings
"Hello"

"Is this Scarlet?"

"Yes."

All anxiety melted away, we talked about everything, just like old friends.  We laughed and we even had time to talk about "Dd matters".  It was wonderful!! I thank God for my new "phone-a-friend" lol, and for all of the wonderful ladies I have met through this blog. 

Scarlet, thanks for a great conversation and I look forward to many, many more.
So for Scarlet and all of my friends here in blogland, this is for you I also threw in a link to a favorite country song of mine:

 

A Beautiful Spanking

I've been debating on whether to share this post or not.  This spanking happened during our boot camp week and although I had shared the experience with a few close blogging friends I wasn't sure if I wanted to share it here or not for reasons I can't discuss.  So after much deliberation I really felt that I wanted to share this experience with all of you...

It started out as a wonderful day, Foreman and I were on our 3rd day of our modified boot camp and he was still sending me sweet texts throughout the day, I sent him a few in return and all was well that is until....

Have you ever gotten a phone call, text or email from a friend or family member that feeds off of negativity?

I got a call...from a family member, she's struggling in her marriage right now and she called me to vent.  Now normally I would redirect the conversation because I have a tendency to 'soak in' all the complaining and negative emotions.  For some reason I couldn't redirect the conversation, so I soaked it all up, you might as well have called me a biscuit cause I was sopping up all the criticism towards her husband and the complaining so by the time Foreman got home...I was in a horrible mood.  He tried several times to talk to me and I blew him off.  He asked where's that sweet 'Sass' that was texting me most of the day? I didn't know what to tell him, I was mad...and at the time I didn't realize why.  Looking back now I can see how detrimental that call was to my own attitude and how easily my emotions were swayed by her negativity.
So after multiple attempts to talk to me, I was a brick wall.  He threatened to take me around the corner of the house and I stood there with eyebrows raised.  After I had calmed down, Foreman 'invited' me down to his building/woodshed.  On the walk to the shed he started talking about how much he had been thinking of me today, how he had went out of his way to send me multiple lovely texts, not because it was his homework (that as the day before) but because he loved me.  Then he gets home to find me pissy, distant and downright hateful.
I knew it, he was right he had been so sweet and loving and I attacked him and then withdrew as soon as he walked through the door.  I started to cry, not because I knew what was coming, but because I knew what I had done to him...to his heart.
When we got in the building he turned me around to face him, with his arm around my back holding me close, he told me he loved me.  He kissed my forehead then my lips and while holding me in that strong hug he began, steady and determined.  As I stood there leaned against his body, I felt his strength not on my backside ;-) but in his hold on me.  For the first time I really felt open to him and instead of laughing or joking or being sassy, I truly felt it... his strength melded with my vulnerability and I cried into his chest while he held me, I released my hold and began to trust him more...it was a beautiful moment that I will never forget. 

Hugs,

Sass

On the Porch

Many activities, have happened on our front porch...

We've had long talks as a couple...

Barbecues with friends or family...

Sweet conversations with our children...

Plenty of laughs...

A few tears...

The very rare romp late on a summer night...

even a few swats for sassiness...

but this morning I got a quick but very effective Front porch session...

It all started on Thursday, we had a long drive together and had some appointments,  at 2 different times on Thursday I was really disrespectful to Foreman.  He was trying to explain something to me and I started talking over him, in front of others :-o not once but twice!  Both times he resigned to step back from me and let me finish spinning out of control. 
Once we were in the car heading home, I spoke first. 

"You were right, I know you were just trying to help me understand and to keep me from stressing, and I just kept cutting you off and talking over you."

I was hateful and I basically cut him down in front of 2 different individuals.  Gasp! Looking back, I'm amazed that he kept his cool, I remember one of the individuals looking at me sort of in awe of my stress-rant and in the way I was speaking to Foreman and they don't have a clue about our dynamic...

So he accepted my apology in the car and we had a pleasant drive home.  He understood I was stressed and I thought that would be the end of it...
I thought about it all day yesterday, I just couldn't shake the feeling and the look of hurt and frustration on his face the 2nd time I went into my rant.  That look...it's the look he used to give when I did those things on a regular basis...a defeated look.  I hate that look but in the moment I couldn't stop my mouth.
Fast forward to last night and he asked me if I was going to go running and he would watch the kids, I very plainly said no, not tonight. 
Now, Foreman doesn't have a long list of rules and he doesn't micromanage me. Before we did this last boot camp, he wouldn't have done anything about me not running, because he doesn't want to be a tyrant...he has noticed how proud I am of myself when I do go running and how great I feel afterwards, and he was offering to help, not just demanding that I go.  Last night we talked about it all and he told me he wasn't happy with my attitude the other day and that he knew I wasn't happy about it either, he also said that he wasn't happy that I chose not to go running and that he really didn't like the way I said, no.
After we talked we got the kids in bed and watched a ne show on television...he held my hand ;-).  Then we went up to bed, he said he was tired but that he expected me to get up with him this morning since he had to go to work.  This morning while the kids were still asleep, I got invited out onto the front porch and he took care of things.  I feel better about things now and I'm so glad he didn't let me go on with that horrible attitude. 
Well, I have plenty to do before he gets home today and we have some lovely friends coming over for the evening.  Hope your all having a wonderful weekend.

Hugs,
Sass

Rain, Emotional Eating and Modified Boot Camp

Hi, friends.  It's been a hectic and on some level, discouraging weekend. Life happened this weekend.  It happens to us all and to some more than others...and sometimes it really SUCKS.  Life isn't fair, it "rains on the just and the unjust" and sometimes the rain doesn't ever seem to be stopping.
Well at our house we had thought the 'rain' had stopped at least long enough for a rainbow to show through, then all of sudden here comes the rain...again. Now it's not a downpour or a 'hurricane' but still it's that consistent, annoying, "life stinks sometimes" kinda rain and there isn't anything I can do about it!  All this 'rain' has absolutely nothing to do with dd/ttwd but it did affect our modified boot camp schedule but the 'rain' itself was the most discouraging of all, in fact we actually continued on with our dd activities which I think helped me process things better.  I also got a wonderful evening with Foreman on Sunday, we had dinner out with another couple and then watched a movie snuggled on the couch afterwards. 

Boot camp went according to plans, sorta... the point was to have it during our regular life so week could adapt and continue.  After our talk on Sunday evening we both felt like we had accomplished that goal; howeve we both didn't truly feel like it was a "boot camp".  We got our feet wet, this time and if Foreman decides to do another then we'll see if we will set it up the same or different.  I'm actually pleasantly surprised at everything we were able to accomplish during our regular everyday lives and how close I feel to him, and how we both grew a little more comfortable in our roles throughout the week.  So my final opinion, it was a success.  Will we adjust more next time? Definitely. Will we ever do it again? I hope.

So what does this post have to do with emotional eating?  Well, due to the weekend 'rain' I've been on the phone and email with doctors and hospitals etc...all morning and a good part of the weekend.  I could have ha a wonderful breakfast this morning of eggs, or oatmeal, something healthy but no, I'm having roasted garlic triscuits with cheese melted on top! lol  So here's to emotional eating after the 'rain'. 

Hugs,
Sass

Bootcamp and Sweet Texts

Ok folks we're on day 2 of our boot camp yesterday went well. Like I've said before we're not doing the boot camp by the book.  I actually bought the book last year and we used some of it but adapted most of it to fit our goals and...so far so good.

Here's how we set ours up:

We're doing our for 4 days Saturday is last day

Still keeping our regular, daily schedules

3 sessions daily each with a purpose or theme

Homework assignments are done separately except the last one will be done together on Saturday
Ex. of homework:  He decided that throughout the day today he wanted me to feel loved and beautiful so he wanted to send me 10 texts throughout the day about what he loves about me. :-)
I thought this was a better idea than him just writing them down too.  I've already received 2 and I'm feeling very loved right now.

Areas of focus are my time management while at the house, my exercising and his comfort level with effectively incorporating this lifestyle (ie, privacy, effective use of other methods).  The time management and exercise were my requests and where I want to improve.

We didn't have a date night before we started, we decided to wait until we are finished.  It's a pretty laidback week, not typical boot camp, but I think we're accomplishing what we set out to do.

I've got plenty to do to day so I better run.  Hope you're all having a wonderful week.

Hugs,

Sass

How Much Does Laundry Detergent Really Cost?

Okay, boot camp plans are waiting to be finalized with Foreman...sooo until we sit down again and chat about things I won't have any information or details to share.  So in the meantime here's an embarrassing story that happened last week.

At our house we typically sit down to eat dinner as a family every night unless we are over at friends' houses or having pizza night.  What is it about pizza that makes me feel like it should not be eaten at the dinner table?
Anyway we were eating dinner Friday night at the table when my youngest pipes up to her Dad, "Mom couldn't make any laundry detergent today so I didn't get to stir it!"

So here's the deal I make our laundry detergent. In fact I love to make it, we save money and it makes the whole house smell so nice! I had planned to make it that day and had announced to her that she could help however, I couldn't find one key tool that I needed...

"Awww, what happened," he asked her.

"We couldn't find Mommy's big spoon!  We looked everywhere today, no spoon."

True, I have a long spoon that I use only for making laundry detergent.

"The big white spoon?" one of my older kids asked.

"Yes, have you seen it?" I asked

"No" was everyone's response

Then my husband looks at me and without thinking (or maybe on purpose) says "did you check upstairs?"

The only rooms upstairs are a bathroom and our bedroom!!!  AAAAACCCKKK! What is he saying...we've never even used that thing...

The confused looks on the kids faces were followed by "Why would the big spoon be upstairs?"

Can I crawl under the table? Am I blushing?

To which he replied oh so calmly with,

"I don't know, you're Mom and I are always finding stuff you kids have carried up to the bathroom with you and left there."

Then he gave me a quick wink and a sly grin...he thinks he's funny

Thankfully there weren't anymore questions and the color in my face did return to normal.

We did find the big spoon nestled in the laundry room right there in the huge bucket I normally use, it had the lid on it and I never put it in there, apparently my little one had hid it in there several weeks before and consequently forgot about it.

If that's where his mind went when he thought of the big laundry spoon, maybe I should get rid of the spoon and start buying my detergent!

Hope everyone is having a great week so far. :-)

Sass

Preparing for Bootcamp

Well friends, we've decided to do Bootcamp.  However, because of our schedules and our inability to have 2-3 days alone the Foreman decided to spread it out over a 4-5 day time frame.  He's asked me to write down a rough draft of what I think those 4-5 days should look like (my expectations, goals, etc...) and then he will sit down and tweak it to include or exclude activities that he thinks are or aren't necessary. 

Now I know some of you may say, how will you do this with the kids around?  We talked about that and we both decided that our adapted version would actually push us both to be more creative and consistent with ttwd/dd in our regular lives.  If you remove the daily activity of life with our kids, jobs, etc...then mine and Foreman's stress levels are way down which is good, but not reality for us.  For me, a vacation-type bootcamp would just set us up for disappointment when we went back to real life. This way we are able to work on some issues and goals, while also ironing out the kinks of this lifestyle in our everyday lives.  In fact that is one of our goals, to see how we can accomplish this better and more effectively in our daily lives.

Don't worry our children will not be aware of anything different.

So I have a schedule and activities to work on, if those of you that have completed a bootcamp have any advice or comments please let me know in the comment section or you can email me at
1sassafrassladyatgmail.com

Thanks,

Sass

Meet the Man

It's been a crazy weekend.  There has been so much that has happened good, bad and even ugly.  I won't bore you all with the details as most of it is just regular life at my house.  But it was one of those weekends where you are drained from the emotional highs and lows.  The details aren't important what is important is that when I look back over the past weekend, month, year there is one thing that has been constant (other than God's love) and that is my husband, my Man.
 

Anyways, this got me to thinking about my husband and how wonderful he is at helping me think things through.  So I thought I would use this post to introduce everyone to my husband.  Throughout blogland there are several blogs with interesting names for their husbands.  Sarah @ Clear as Mud has He-man, Stormy has Ogre, Susie has (MM) Mischief Manager, and etc... I have always wanted to give him a blog name but he always said "hubby" is fine.  That is until...this past weekend.  I had asked him again about it because it is hard for me to talk about him like he doesn't have a name soooo, without further adu(is that spelled right?)

Meet...

My Foreman, no not Fireman, Foreman :)

Funny little side story, we were laying in bed one night and I was talking about the names I wanted to use and gave him a list one of them was "the Wall" mainly because of a post from last year about wall-time and the fact that he is a "protector", anyways when I said it, he stopped looked at me and with a huge grin on his face said, "So, do you wanna, climb the wall?"  ;)

He finally decided on the Foreman, I love it, ummm not as much as I enjoyed "climbing the wall" but oh, well. ;-)

I hope you all have a wonderful week!

Sass

DD/TTWD The Natural Way

I didn't really know where to start because I have so much to catch you all up on and I may never get to it all.  While I was thinking about what to post over the past few days, I realized, how far we've come as a couple.  If you read my last 2 posts from last year, it sounded as if TTWD/DD was coming to an end.  I sounded so distressed! Looking back now I can giggle about how dramatic I sounded. I did feel that way at the time but I now realize that my stress at that time was simply from trying to control how I thought we should practice DD.  I already had the proof that he thought this was a good road to travel down but because he wasn't doing things "the right way" (heavy sarcasm) it stressed me. 

Sooooo, what did Sass learn over the past year?
There is no "right way" to do TTWD, it is a natural progression, it's organic (in a way). You can't put it into a box, give it to your husband and say "Here it is, Let's get to it!"  It has to be a process for him too, a natural one. Otherwise it will feel fake or simply like a game that you play. 

During and right after my last 2 posts from 2013, we had multiple talks and control battles over DD.  The funny thing is when I stopped and I mean completely stopped hounding him about consistency; that's when he started his natural progression.  Eventually I told him, I love you and I want to continue with DD, but if you do not want to that's fine too.  I left the door open for him by letting him know I wasn't going to talk about it for a while and if he feels action or consequences need to be given out then I would accept them, if not I wouldn't argue about it.  In all honesty, I thought, "this is it, his way out," however that couldn't have been further from the reality.  Nothing really happened for the first month or so after we had these talks, but then something amazing started to happen.  I would get snippy or even overwhelmed and I would get a few quick swats in the kitchen or where ever I happened to be.  One night, he even tossed me over his lap on the couch for a quick couple of swats for being mouthy.  There have been other instances and consequences that have come about over the past year and I'll tell you all about'em. Like my first "BedroomTime" and etc... but I just wanted this first post to be about how naturally things have been falling into place since then.  He's much more comfortable with his leadership and I am more comfortable with letting go of the reins.  We've learned trust and respect, communication and vulnerability. It's been an interesting ride and I wouldn't change it for the world. 
Apparently our relationship has improved to the point that I had a very close friend ask me what we've been doing for him to be so loving towards me, not that he wasn't loving before, he just wasn't a PDA kinda guy, but she said she noticed some changes.  Probably, how he rests his hand on the back of my neck, or kisses my forehead now.  I'll tell you more about that conversation later, the point is if you are a newbie, don't rush too much into rules and structure and consequences, unless your hubby is on board with that.  Let your relationship take its natural shape, follow his lead, accept him where he is, then sit back and watch the beauty of your relationship unfold. 

Hugs,

Sass

I'm Jealous!!

I'm so jealous!!!

The past 3 weeks have been so very trying for me and an emotional roller coaster.  There were many times I wanted to just pick up the phone and call my best girlfriend and share everything that was going on, but I couldn't. :( She really wouldn't understand and the last thing I need right now is judgement.  I couldn't post because we were busy away from the computer, on vacation and just dealing with the "busyness" of life.

So here I am, jealous...
wishing I had an "IRL" dd friend.
I know we all do. I just hate that I can't talk about dd things and emotions with my real life friends and family, and I can't go into too much detail in my blog posts, so.... here I am jealous!!

If you have a face to face friend that you can confide in or talk with hug them today because there are those of us that would love to have that.

Still Here, Just Not Sure About Things

Hi, friends, I've missed you all terribly!  We've been on vacation from work and from dd/ttwd not sure where we are right now. I'm confused and unsure of where his head is these days and I wish I could change it but I can't.  I love him with or without this dynamic and I know that we will be okay either way. I just feel like I'm in limbo.  I want a full-on commitment to ttwd or a full-on stop of it.  I can't keep bouncing back and forth.  He says he wants this, but he wants to tweak it and that's good but I'm not sure I can follow his lead when it is sporadic or only when convienient for him.  It's not a shift in our relationship, it just seems like a game we are playing when life doesn't get in the way.  I think we have 2 different ideas of what this should look like and maybe we need to call it quits? with ttwd not each other.

Please Advise!!!

Well, this post topic has been flopping around in my head for a while now and I thought I would Ask for some advice from all of my new friends here in blogland. 
How do you get from A (lack of consistency) to B (consistently consistent hehe).
Now I know many will say, it takes time and communication and so on...I know that.  What I need help on is being submissive when he isn't consistent. 

Last year we did a complete kitchen renovation.  It was horrible and wonderful at the same time.  Floors torn out, cabinets gone, the stove and fridge moved out of the kitchen which meant no cooking for the duration of the renovations.  However, in 1 week our kitchen was ripped apart and my husband was able to complete everything from building my new cabinets and laying new tile floor etc..in that time! It was amazing, he is amazing!  When he puts his mind to something it really gets done and not sloppily either.  Anyways, there were only two things missing from my new kitchen- 2 cabinet drawers, there was space for them but we ran out of time and it just wasn't a priority since I had another place for silverware and dish towels.  I was ecstatic to finally have the kitchen of my dreams!  So for 7 months we went on and one day while I was gone to the store I came home to find that my sweet husband had built my new drawers.  they are fabulous, very close to the dishwasher so it makes putting silverware away quick now.  The only problem was I was so used to going to the other side of the kitchen everytime i needed a spoon or a fork, now that I had new drawers, I still found myself walking across the kitchen to get to the old silverware drawer.  Finally I started realizing and stopping myself midway across the kitchen and going to the new drawer, but that took over a week to get to that point. even now I find myself sometimes turning to go to the old drawer instead of the new one.  Why?
The new drawer is beautiful, organized and efficient.  The old drawer (which isn't even in the kitchen anymore, just the memory) was ugly, cramped and took quite a bit of time and effort to accomplish a simple task, getting a spoon!  So why would i still be heading toward that old drawer after all this time?
Habit, I guess.  For 14 and some odd years I have used that old drawer, now that there is something new and better available I love it (the new one) and I wouldn't want to go back to the old inefficient way of the past, but using that new drawer just hasn't become automatic, yet.  It will but it will just take a few more trips half-way across the kitchen before it starts to register.
Now, I know that this is probably the way my husband feels about ttwd, it's new. It's beautiful! It's much more efficient than fighting or silent treatment for days.  But he's in that in between stage, that transition between forming a new habit and letting go of an old "drawer".  The problem comes in because it leads to what feels like (inconsistency) almost like saying you're going to do something but then do not follow through.  So as the submissive, what do I do?  Do I take the reins for a bit and say "hey remember what you said you would do?" or do i sit back and watch him make pointless trips half way across the kitchen over and over?  I know he will get there but in the meantime, how do i handle the feelings that follow with inconsistency? Should I even discuss it with him? We've talked about it before but I stopped nagging when we started ttwd and I certainly don't want to start nagging about this, so I am looking for advice my sweet friends.  Will my submissive attitude be enough to break the old habit eventually or is it appropriate to have this conversation yet again?  Should I start some sort of journal and present it to him once a week? I don't know, Help!!!

Thanks
Sassafrass

Wall Time, Really??

When we first restarted ttwd we had a brief discussion about other forms of consequences such as removal of privileges (my coffee maker L), corner time and etc… well, we never agreed to do any type of corner time or bedroom time but it was something I mentioned during one of our conversations; but I said I didn’t think it would be anything I would do, because it seemed more like a “Time-out” and I doubted that it would be effective, soooo we moved on in our discussions and never really discussed it again. 

Last night we had a little “tiff” about ttwd which gradually escalated to a full blown argument by the time we went to bed.  I wanted some sort of reconnect and he was not in the mood, but instead of saying I want to wait till Friday he said maybe.  Maybe?? I hate Maybe.  So it felt as if he was just accommodating me and I hate that.  By the time we got in bed he wanted to talk and I was distancing, I don’t like to feel vulnerable or rejected and yet that was how I was feeling.  I tried to explain that to him but it didn’t come out that way and after asking me multiple times to stop talking at him, he raised up and grabbed the blankets that were over me and I knew he was going to spank me, not the reconnect kind.  Then it came out of my mouth…

“You don’t get to do this, tonight!!!”  What??? Did I really just say that to him?  Stunned, He said “How’s this suppose to work if I don’t get to act on this situation?”  Now I know I should have probably stopped right, there and said “Okay, honey.  You’re right. I asked for this dynamic and now I am ‘tying your hands’, so I will accept whatever consequences you see fit to administer.”  Somehow those words got lost between my brain and my mouth so what actually came out was more like “Not tonight!!!!” and then I jerked the blankets back and rolled over. Okay, now 3 things were running through my mind:

What the heck are you saying, stop it. He’s trying, be patient.

Who does he think he is?  He can’t tell me, no and then get mad and throw me over his knee!

If he does spank me now then I’ve won, this battle.  That’s what started this whole thing I wanted a reconnect tonight instead of Friday, he said no, and it pissed me off!  But I didn’t want to win this battle, not like that.  I didn’t want him to think I manipulated him into it.  So I said no.

He got out of bed and said we’ll talk more after you’ve cooled off.  And with that he went outside on the porch.  Now this is our usual argument cycle, we fight he gets mad and retreats, falls asleep or goes outside (he doesn’t leave the house) he just escapes, and I lay in bed and get upset that he doesn’t care about the situation.  Sometimes I’m the one that ends up on the porch, but last night it was him.  While I laid in bed I knew that he would come upstairs and go right to sleep like nothing was wrong.  He would be indifferent, it wouldn’t matter!! So after about 5 -10 minutes he came back to bed and I laid there, not saying anything, I was fuming…I was preparing for the inevitable indifference or for the conversation where he says, this isn’t working so we’re gonna stop ttwd. 

Silence….

Then all of a sudden he spoke:

“You awake?”

“Yes, why?”

“I want you to do something.”

“What?”

“Get out of bed.” Now for a fleeting moment I thought “Certainly, he won’t kick me out of my own bed!  Would he?”

I got out of bed and walked over to his side and stood there with my hands on my hips.

“Walk over to the wall and face that spot beside the window.”

“What? Why?”

“You’re gonna stand there for 10 minutes”

  “Ummm, I don’t do corner time! Oh,  h#%$$ no.

He grinned raised his eyebrows and said “Well you do tonight, and your working on making it 15 minutes.

Indignantly I turned to face the wall.

I was mad; it was the same anger stage I go through with an actual spanking.  I guess he could tell I was mad, so he said, quit huffing and puffing!  I did.  That was probably the most boring thing I have ever had to do, no talking, moving around or heavy breathing noises.  It stunk! 

He knew I was still angry so he said, take off your short bottoms, and you’ll only have 2 more minutes to stand there. 

I looked over my shoulder at him and said, “No, thanks.  I finish my time with them on.”  Wow, really?? It was like my mouth wouldn’t stop!!  I figured he’d give up and say okay then you can just finish your time.  Nope, He said well you can take them down with a good attitude and only have 2 minutes left or you can take them down reluctantly and stay there for 7 more minutes.  Wait a minute; did he just add more time??  Yep, and so the shorts hit the floor.  Now before anyone chimes in about this being a sexual playtime, it wasn’t.  He knows that my clothing is a wall I hide behind, I don’t like to be naked, partially or otherwise (it makes me feel vulnerable and out of control) that’s the message I got loud and clear, “stop trying to control the situation, be vulnerable to him, communicate with him (not at him) and he will be worthy of my trust.”   Then it happened…

All this time I had been worried that he wasn’t seeing the benefits of ttwd and now he has issued a consequence (quite wisely, I might add) of his own choosing.  When my time was up he told me to get back in bed and come and lay on his chest.  When I looked up at him he kissed my forehead and began talking. 

He said, “Ttwd is not always going to be fun or easy, but I want you to know I am in this not because of you but because it is working for us.  This is much better than fighting all night or being mad at each other for days”  

You know what, he’s right.  As I type this I can’t explain the love I have for this man, it is indescribable.

 

 

Exclamation Points Equal Red Bottom

TTWD is a two-sided coin, what I mean is it is customizable which is great but the other side is trying to find out what works for us.  Now, I could call him Sir all day long and it wouldn’t make a hill of beans to him I could forget to wash his undies or socks and his arm would not start twitching; however, I found out Monday, hanging up on him followed by a sarcastic text with lots of exclamation points can really get his arm swinging. 

Here’s a little background, usually when my husband is working and in the middle of something he doesn’t answer his phone.  So when I called to ask about his schedule for the evening so that I could make plans about the kids extra-curricular activities- I didn’t know he was in the middle of something, he never said “hey, I’m busy” or “I’m moving something heavy or holding something heavy.”  Sheesh set it down already!  So I went on with my discussion and when he got a little snippy I hung up on him.  I was furious because the call was actually to let him know that I had things under control and I had worked out a plan so he wouldn’t have to come home early…ain’t I an angel?  After hanging up on him I sent him a “sweet” text about my plan and included lots of caps and exclamation points.  Now before we started ttwd, if I would have hung up the phone on him he wouldn’t have called back or said anything later either he would have ignored it, been indifferent.  I hate indifference!!!  Not Monday, he called me back about 15 minutes later and said,  I was not trying to be mean, I was actually stuck under a house and I only had one free hand at the time.  (The other was holding something heavy).  He wanted to answer the phone because he wanted to make sure it wasn’t an emergency.  (Very new, not his normal style). Anyone got a rock i can crawl under? Anyone?

Here he was busy and still took the time to answer his phone, and I attacked him for it.  Even though we both had good reasons for feeling stressed I was the only one that escalated it.  He did apologize for sounding snippy on the phone and said we would talk later.  When we did talk he picked up his phone opened his texts and started counting the exclamation points, out loud.

One

I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were busy.

Two,

Why would you answer your phone, anyway?

Three,

I was trying to make your evening less stressful and you got mad at me

Four,

And on and on…..

When he set the phone down, he told me he almost came home to take care of it immediately.

What????

He explained that I had better be careful next time I want to hang up the phone or send nasty exclamation-filled texts because it only takes him 5 minutes to get to the house and he will gladly take the time, if it happens again. 

He took care of things that night, and my phone is full of sweet texts and the exclamation button is getting a rest, unlike my backside ;)

I hope everyone's week is going well and that all your texts are sweet! (Dang it!  Where did those exclamations come from? Blasted, sneaky suckers!!).

 

 

 

A Quickie

Yes, I know what some of you are thinking, tsk,tsk! 

A "quickie" romp in the hay? No.

A "quickie" for him?  No.

A "quickie" spankin'? No, although I have had a few of those lately.  You know the "straighten up or else" swats. 

A "quickie" post? yes. 

I've been doing some serious thinking about ttwd and how we as a couple define it.  So the best way i knew how to start that process was to write about it.  The problem is the post isn't finished and it continues to grow.  Maybe eventually I'll be able to post part of it but in the mean time I just wanted to pop in and say things are going quite well.  We've had several lengthy discussions as well as "quickies" since he read my last post and I have been pleasantly surprised with the insight I am getting from these discussions.  Tonight is maintenance and even though he has had an extremely stressful week, he reminded me this morning of our "appointment" tonight.  I received a sweet call to check on me while I was traveling today and received a strong-armed hug from him when he got home.  I think there is hope for ttwd and it seems communication is the key.

Stunt drivers, transitions and boot camp????

I am not a stunt driver however these days I feel like one…

The best analogy I have ever heard for ttwd and Dd is the car scenario.  You can only have one driver, both can be in the front of the vehicle but only one can drive.  It makes perfect sense and I agree completely and I want my husband in the driver’s seat.  The problem comes in when we are trying to change seats.  Life doesn’t stop and so neither has our car…I feel like we are heading down the interstate at 70 miles an hour and we are trying to change seats. 

 Tricky stuff, right? 

If you’ve ever seen an action movie when two people have to change positions in a high speed chase it doesn’t look easy and at some point in the scene there will be no one holding the steering wheel.  That’s what I feel like today. 

 We are in transition, he’s climbing over the car console to trade with me and I am trying to scoot under him and we are both reaching for the steering wheel.  Sometimes he has it firmly in his hand and then other times it feels as though his foot or something may be stuck and he lets go to take care of that, I freak out and jerk the wheel back and almost make us crash!!!  This ttwd is definitely changing the way we do things around here, I just wish we could stop the car and calmly open our respective doors get out of the car and return to our new seats, then start driving again.   But how do we do that, life doesn’t stop nor does it slow down for us these days.  Maybe some sort of bootcamp would be a safer transition?  I don’t know.  I am sure the transition will never be easy or always permanent (I’m sure there will need to be reminders and such) it just feels sort of …reckless. I hope I am making some sort of sense but I doubt it.  Until his HoH bottom is firmly planted in the driver's seat and my bottom is firmly planted in the passenger seat here I sit straddling the console under him; one hand on the wheel and one hand wrapped around him, balancing and praying that God will help him guide this car during the transition and that if we both let go for a moment then atleast God will have the wheel. 

If you all have any advice on the transition or boot camp or stunt driving I’d love to hear it! 

Easy Breezy...Not Quite!

This should be easy…

Well, that’s what I thought going into ttwd this time around.  I really thought that since I had been working on this respect thing for the past 7 months or so without any prompting then the respect would be the easy part.  That is until we had one heck of a disagreement while out to dinner with family and friends.  He did something I did not agree with and I began brooding during dinner to the point that I even gave him my infamous raised eyebrows at the dinner table, that look that says you’re in big trouble!  I give that look to my kiddos all the time and I have a bad habit of throwing them his way too. 

 He was beside me during dinner and tried to put his arm around me (he’s not a PDA kinda guy, but has recently started showing affection in public) instead of snuggling up to him, I did the unthinkable, I pulled away and sat with my arms crossed or picked at the food on my plate the entire evening.   I was so pissed I couldn’t see straight, it was really ridiculous looking back but at the time, I truly couldn’t stop myself from brooding.  The worst part was the poor guy didn’t have a clue what he had done.  He even put his hand on my leg and I moved it!!!  He stayed calm through the whole dinner and on our way home we talked, well I talked and I told him what he did wrong (with eyebrows raised and all) and promptly expected an apology, at which time he said I’ll deal with this later tonight.  What???? I had already forgotten about what he was allowed to do and for a fleeting moment my stomach dropped.  That didn’t last long and I rebutted, “I don’t think so!”  I haven’t the slightest idea where that last statement came from, except I guess I expected him to forget about it and not follow through anyways. Maybe it was momentary insanity at the time and I truly didn’t understand his determination this time around.  With that statement I received an “icy” look from him that stopped my sassy mouth in its tracks.  Needless to say after the kiddos were in bed we got into bed, our conversation went something like this:

What are you doing, sassafrass?

I'm going to sleep.  (Pulling the covers over me)

I don’t think so, I told you I would deal with this tonight.

Deal with what? You owe me the apology.  (I couldn’t stop it from sneaking out.  In my head I was thinking, there’s no way I will lay across his lap for this he acts like he didn’t do anything wrong.)

You know “what”, for your hateful attitude during dinner and your sassy mouth on the way home.

He must have known I wouldn’t lay across his lap so he said, on your knees.  I defiantly rolled over and assumed the position he requested and gave him a “You wouldn’t dare” look over my shoulder.  Well he dared and for the first time since we started ttwd he spoke quite a bit during.  It is amazing the communication that opened afterwards.  I apologized for my attitude and he said he understood why I was upset but that next time I need to talk “with” him- not “at” him.  He held me and we talked some more.    

So it looks as if I have a quite a bit of work to do.  I am so glad he followed through and I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for him wondering if he should dare to tame my sharp tongue or not.  It’s like this little monster takes over my mouth sometimes and I can’t stop it.  At least the little booger doesn’t make appearances as frequently as before but I think my husband is on a mission to squash that hateful little monster once and for all, and frankly I hope he succeeds!