I didn't really know where to start because I have so much to catch you all up on and I may never get to it all. While I was thinking about what to post over the past few days, I realized, how far we've come as a couple. If you read my last 2 posts from last year, it sounded as if TTWD/DD was coming to an end. I sounded so distressed! Looking back now I can giggle about how dramatic I sounded. I did feel that way at the time but I now realize that my stress at that time was simply from trying to control how I thought we should practice DD. I already had the proof that he thought this was a good road to travel down but because he wasn't doing things "the right way" (heavy sarcasm) it stressed me.
Sooooo, what did Sass learn over the past year?
There is no "right way" to do TTWD, it is a natural progression, it's organic (in a way). You can't put it into a box, give it to your husband and say "Here it is, Let's get to it!" It has to be a process for him too, a natural one. Otherwise it will feel fake or simply like a game that you play.
During and right after my last 2 posts from 2013, we had multiple talks and control battles over DD. The funny thing is when I stopped and I mean completely stopped hounding him about consistency; that's when he started his natural progression. Eventually I told him, I love you and I want to continue with DD, but if you do not want to that's fine too. I left the door open for him by letting him know I wasn't going to talk about it for a while and if he feels action or consequences need to be given out then I would accept them, if not I wouldn't argue about it. In all honesty, I thought, "this is it, his way out," however that couldn't have been further from the reality. Nothing really happened for the first month or so after we had these talks, but then something amazing started to happen. I would get snippy or even overwhelmed and I would get a few quick swats in the kitchen or where ever I happened to be. One night, he even tossed me over his lap on the couch for a quick couple of swats for being mouthy. There have been other instances and consequences that have come about over the past year and I'll tell you all about'em. Like my first "BedroomTime" and etc... but I just wanted this first post to be about how naturally things have been falling into place since then. He's much more comfortable with his leadership and I am more comfortable with letting go of the reins. We've learned trust and respect, communication and vulnerability. It's been an interesting ride and I wouldn't change it for the world.
Apparently our relationship has improved to the point that I had a very close friend ask me what we've been doing for him to be so loving towards me, not that he wasn't loving before, he just wasn't a PDA kinda guy, but she said she noticed some changes. Probably, how he rests his hand on the back of my neck, or kisses my forehead now. I'll tell you more about that conversation later, the point is if you are a newbie, don't rush too much into rules and structure and consequences, unless your hubby is on board with that. Let your relationship take its natural shape, follow his lead, accept him where he is, then sit back and watch the beauty of your relationship unfold.
Hugs,
Sass
I think all of us eventually get to this point Sass. Of course I think a few of us THOUGHT we had gotten to that point before we actually did...lol. For me it was hitting rock bottom before I gave up control. In my particular case, I have had to give up control more than once- meaning, it built up again.
ReplyDeleteFor a long time, and still at times but not as frequent anymore, if things were going great, Barney would have a tendency to 'coast' a bit. Coasting is fine for a short while, but eventually I would slowly morph back into my controlling nature.....EXPLOSION....communication, rebuilding. The good news is the rebuild doesn't take as long anymore.
I almost think the mega rules that newbies start with, is like a right of passage. Sure we who have been doing it for a while try to forewarn them not too...but sometimes things just have to be experienced. Everyone learns something from these mistakes and as much as we want them not to experience the pain and frustration that comes from 'common' mistakes, growth too can come from them...BUT we still need to try to help right? LOL..
Definitely, no matter how much all you ladies told me about listening to him and to stop trying to control the situation, I just had to learn for myself. :) I've learned also that my communication with him then was a way to control him again. All he heard was "Blah,blah, blah you're not doing it right." It took my silence on the topic for him to feel more natural about it. Now I know how to communicate about it with him better. Thanks Willie. :)
ReplyDeleteWhy do all of us have to learn this for ourselves? I suppose it's not unlike growing up. You wish for your kids to not have to go through some of the same things you did, but alas...it's part of the process. It's a very tricky balance to hold. We have to let them know how much we want this and are willing to go the distance for it, but at the very same time, let go of any expectations and give them the space to find their own way and style. It works...but it's stinking hard to do. I'm glad to see that you are in a much better place.
ReplyDeleteSusie, so glad to hear from you! You put it so well, it's definitely a balancing act. Yes, it is stinkin' hard to do, I still have a lot to learn but i think that's what makes ttwd so effective, we have to keep learning and molding and customizing it to fit both of us where we are at that time.
DeleteHugs
Sass
I often wondered if anyone took us seriously when we first began. I was so very intense and certain about what I wanted to happen.
ReplyDeleteLooking back, I can see how I was manipulating the whole dynamic to some extent.
It takes courage to let things develop naturally, and not having a hand in them, but you can be surprised by how it will evolve for you as a couple.
It's those few, swift swats that really do their work. They are such good reminders. Together with the raised eyebrow, and the 'stage whisper' they usually manage to stop me in my tracks. Well, most of the time anyway. LOL
Hugs
Ami
Hi, Ami. Definitely, those swift swats and the eyebrows is enough for me too, usually. ;-)
ReplyDeleteHugs
Sass
Sass, this is awesome! I love that once you stepped back, your husband was able to become the Hoh you were so desiring - and I love that people can see the difference in your relationship. Don't you just pause for a moment and think, "I wonder what they'd think if I told them the real reason why things are so much better?" Lol!
ReplyDeletehugs,
Cali
Thanks, Cali. It surprised me too. Yes, I do wonder and I like having "our little secret". ;)
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