On the Porch

Many activities, have happened on our front porch...

We've had long talks as a couple...

Barbecues with friends or family...

Sweet conversations with our children...

Plenty of laughs...

A few tears...

The very rare romp late on a summer night...

even a few swats for sassiness...

but this morning I got a quick but very effective Front porch session...

It all started on Thursday, we had a long drive together and had some appointments,  at 2 different times on Thursday I was really disrespectful to Foreman.  He was trying to explain something to me and I started talking over him, in front of others :-o not once but twice!  Both times he resigned to step back from me and let me finish spinning out of control. 
Once we were in the car heading home, I spoke first. 

"You were right, I know you were just trying to help me understand and to keep me from stressing, and I just kept cutting you off and talking over you."

I was hateful and I basically cut him down in front of 2 different individuals.  Gasp! Looking back, I'm amazed that he kept his cool, I remember one of the individuals looking at me sort of in awe of my stress-rant and in the way I was speaking to Foreman and they don't have a clue about our dynamic...

So he accepted my apology in the car and we had a pleasant drive home.  He understood I was stressed and I thought that would be the end of it...
I thought about it all day yesterday, I just couldn't shake the feeling and the look of hurt and frustration on his face the 2nd time I went into my rant.  That look...it's the look he used to give when I did those things on a regular basis...a defeated look.  I hate that look but in the moment I couldn't stop my mouth.
Fast forward to last night and he asked me if I was going to go running and he would watch the kids, I very plainly said no, not tonight. 
Now, Foreman doesn't have a long list of rules and he doesn't micromanage me. Before we did this last boot camp, he wouldn't have done anything about me not running, because he doesn't want to be a tyrant...he has noticed how proud I am of myself when I do go running and how great I feel afterwards, and he was offering to help, not just demanding that I go.  Last night we talked about it all and he told me he wasn't happy with my attitude the other day and that he knew I wasn't happy about it either, he also said that he wasn't happy that I chose not to go running and that he really didn't like the way I said, no.
After we talked we got the kids in bed and watched a ne show on television...he held my hand ;-).  Then we went up to bed, he said he was tired but that he expected me to get up with him this morning since he had to go to work.  This morning while the kids were still asleep, I got invited out onto the front porch and he took care of things.  I feel better about things now and I'm so glad he didn't let me go on with that horrible attitude. 
Well, I have plenty to do before he gets home today and we have some lovely friends coming over for the evening.  Hope your all having a wonderful weekend.

Hugs,
Sass

Bootcamp and Sweet Texts

Ok folks we're on day 2 of our boot camp yesterday went well. Like I've said before we're not doing the boot camp by the book.  I actually bought the book last year and we used some of it but adapted most of it to fit our goals and...so far so good.

Here's how we set ours up:

We're doing our for 4 days Saturday is last day

Still keeping our regular, daily schedules

3 sessions daily each with a purpose or theme

Homework assignments are done separately except the last one will be done together on Saturday
Ex. of homework:  He decided that throughout the day today he wanted me to feel loved and beautiful so he wanted to send me 10 texts throughout the day about what he loves about me. :-)
I thought this was a better idea than him just writing them down too.  I've already received 2 and I'm feeling very loved right now.

Areas of focus are my time management while at the house, my exercising and his comfort level with effectively incorporating this lifestyle (ie, privacy, effective use of other methods).  The time management and exercise were my requests and where I want to improve.

We didn't have a date night before we started, we decided to wait until we are finished.  It's a pretty laidback week, not typical boot camp, but I think we're accomplishing what we set out to do.

I've got plenty to do to day so I better run.  Hope you're all having a wonderful week.

Hugs,

Sass

Preparing for Bootcamp

Well friends, we've decided to do Bootcamp.  However, because of our schedules and our inability to have 2-3 days alone the Foreman decided to spread it out over a 4-5 day time frame.  He's asked me to write down a rough draft of what I think those 4-5 days should look like (my expectations, goals, etc...) and then he will sit down and tweak it to include or exclude activities that he thinks are or aren't necessary. 

Now I know some of you may say, how will you do this with the kids around?  We talked about that and we both decided that our adapted version would actually push us both to be more creative and consistent with ttwd/dd in our regular lives.  If you remove the daily activity of life with our kids, jobs, etc...then mine and Foreman's stress levels are way down which is good, but not reality for us.  For me, a vacation-type bootcamp would just set us up for disappointment when we went back to real life. This way we are able to work on some issues and goals, while also ironing out the kinks of this lifestyle in our everyday lives.  In fact that is one of our goals, to see how we can accomplish this better and more effectively in our daily lives.

Don't worry our children will not be aware of anything different.

So I have a schedule and activities to work on, if those of you that have completed a bootcamp have any advice or comments please let me know in the comment section or you can email me at
1sassafrassladyatgmail.com

Thanks,

Sass

DD/TTWD The Natural Way

I didn't really know where to start because I have so much to catch you all up on and I may never get to it all.  While I was thinking about what to post over the past few days, I realized, how far we've come as a couple.  If you read my last 2 posts from last year, it sounded as if TTWD/DD was coming to an end.  I sounded so distressed! Looking back now I can giggle about how dramatic I sounded. I did feel that way at the time but I now realize that my stress at that time was simply from trying to control how I thought we should practice DD.  I already had the proof that he thought this was a good road to travel down but because he wasn't doing things "the right way" (heavy sarcasm) it stressed me. 

Sooooo, what did Sass learn over the past year?
There is no "right way" to do TTWD, it is a natural progression, it's organic (in a way). You can't put it into a box, give it to your husband and say "Here it is, Let's get to it!"  It has to be a process for him too, a natural one. Otherwise it will feel fake or simply like a game that you play. 

During and right after my last 2 posts from 2013, we had multiple talks and control battles over DD.  The funny thing is when I stopped and I mean completely stopped hounding him about consistency; that's when he started his natural progression.  Eventually I told him, I love you and I want to continue with DD, but if you do not want to that's fine too.  I left the door open for him by letting him know I wasn't going to talk about it for a while and if he feels action or consequences need to be given out then I would accept them, if not I wouldn't argue about it.  In all honesty, I thought, "this is it, his way out," however that couldn't have been further from the reality.  Nothing really happened for the first month or so after we had these talks, but then something amazing started to happen.  I would get snippy or even overwhelmed and I would get a few quick swats in the kitchen or where ever I happened to be.  One night, he even tossed me over his lap on the couch for a quick couple of swats for being mouthy.  There have been other instances and consequences that have come about over the past year and I'll tell you all about'em. Like my first "BedroomTime" and etc... but I just wanted this first post to be about how naturally things have been falling into place since then.  He's much more comfortable with his leadership and I am more comfortable with letting go of the reins.  We've learned trust and respect, communication and vulnerability. It's been an interesting ride and I wouldn't change it for the world. 
Apparently our relationship has improved to the point that I had a very close friend ask me what we've been doing for him to be so loving towards me, not that he wasn't loving before, he just wasn't a PDA kinda guy, but she said she noticed some changes.  Probably, how he rests his hand on the back of my neck, or kisses my forehead now.  I'll tell you more about that conversation later, the point is if you are a newbie, don't rush too much into rules and structure and consequences, unless your hubby is on board with that.  Let your relationship take its natural shape, follow his lead, accept him where he is, then sit back and watch the beauty of your relationship unfold. 

Hugs,

Sass

Still Here, Just Not Sure About Things

Hi, friends, I've missed you all terribly!  We've been on vacation from work and from dd/ttwd not sure where we are right now. I'm confused and unsure of where his head is these days and I wish I could change it but I can't.  I love him with or without this dynamic and I know that we will be okay either way. I just feel like I'm in limbo.  I want a full-on commitment to ttwd or a full-on stop of it.  I can't keep bouncing back and forth.  He says he wants this, but he wants to tweak it and that's good but I'm not sure I can follow his lead when it is sporadic or only when convienient for him.  It's not a shift in our relationship, it just seems like a game we are playing when life doesn't get in the way.  I think we have 2 different ideas of what this should look like and maybe we need to call it quits? with ttwd not each other.

Please Advise!!!

Well, this post topic has been flopping around in my head for a while now and I thought I would Ask for some advice from all of my new friends here in blogland. 
How do you get from A (lack of consistency) to B (consistently consistent hehe).
Now I know many will say, it takes time and communication and so on...I know that.  What I need help on is being submissive when he isn't consistent. 

Last year we did a complete kitchen renovation.  It was horrible and wonderful at the same time.  Floors torn out, cabinets gone, the stove and fridge moved out of the kitchen which meant no cooking for the duration of the renovations.  However, in 1 week our kitchen was ripped apart and my husband was able to complete everything from building my new cabinets and laying new tile floor etc..in that time! It was amazing, he is amazing!  When he puts his mind to something it really gets done and not sloppily either.  Anyways, there were only two things missing from my new kitchen- 2 cabinet drawers, there was space for them but we ran out of time and it just wasn't a priority since I had another place for silverware and dish towels.  I was ecstatic to finally have the kitchen of my dreams!  So for 7 months we went on and one day while I was gone to the store I came home to find that my sweet husband had built my new drawers.  they are fabulous, very close to the dishwasher so it makes putting silverware away quick now.  The only problem was I was so used to going to the other side of the kitchen everytime i needed a spoon or a fork, now that I had new drawers, I still found myself walking across the kitchen to get to the old silverware drawer.  Finally I started realizing and stopping myself midway across the kitchen and going to the new drawer, but that took over a week to get to that point. even now I find myself sometimes turning to go to the old drawer instead of the new one.  Why?
The new drawer is beautiful, organized and efficient.  The old drawer (which isn't even in the kitchen anymore, just the memory) was ugly, cramped and took quite a bit of time and effort to accomplish a simple task, getting a spoon!  So why would i still be heading toward that old drawer after all this time?
Habit, I guess.  For 14 and some odd years I have used that old drawer, now that there is something new and better available I love it (the new one) and I wouldn't want to go back to the old inefficient way of the past, but using that new drawer just hasn't become automatic, yet.  It will but it will just take a few more trips half-way across the kitchen before it starts to register.
Now, I know that this is probably the way my husband feels about ttwd, it's new. It's beautiful! It's much more efficient than fighting or silent treatment for days.  But he's in that in between stage, that transition between forming a new habit and letting go of an old "drawer".  The problem comes in because it leads to what feels like (inconsistency) almost like saying you're going to do something but then do not follow through.  So as the submissive, what do I do?  Do I take the reins for a bit and say "hey remember what you said you would do?" or do i sit back and watch him make pointless trips half way across the kitchen over and over?  I know he will get there but in the meantime, how do i handle the feelings that follow with inconsistency? Should I even discuss it with him? We've talked about it before but I stopped nagging when we started ttwd and I certainly don't want to start nagging about this, so I am looking for advice my sweet friends.  Will my submissive attitude be enough to break the old habit eventually or is it appropriate to have this conversation yet again?  Should I start some sort of journal and present it to him once a week? I don't know, Help!!!

Thanks
Sassafrass