I'm Jealous!!

I'm so jealous!!!

The past 3 weeks have been so very trying for me and an emotional roller coaster.  There were many times I wanted to just pick up the phone and call my best girlfriend and share everything that was going on, but I couldn't. :( She really wouldn't understand and the last thing I need right now is judgement.  I couldn't post because we were busy away from the computer, on vacation and just dealing with the "busyness" of life.

So here I am, jealous...
wishing I had an "IRL" dd friend.
I know we all do. I just hate that I can't talk about dd things and emotions with my real life friends and family, and I can't go into too much detail in my blog posts, so.... here I am jealous!!

If you have a face to face friend that you can confide in or talk with hug them today because there are those of us that would love to have that.

Still Here, Just Not Sure About Things

Hi, friends, I've missed you all terribly!  We've been on vacation from work and from dd/ttwd not sure where we are right now. I'm confused and unsure of where his head is these days and I wish I could change it but I can't.  I love him with or without this dynamic and I know that we will be okay either way. I just feel like I'm in limbo.  I want a full-on commitment to ttwd or a full-on stop of it.  I can't keep bouncing back and forth.  He says he wants this, but he wants to tweak it and that's good but I'm not sure I can follow his lead when it is sporadic or only when convienient for him.  It's not a shift in our relationship, it just seems like a game we are playing when life doesn't get in the way.  I think we have 2 different ideas of what this should look like and maybe we need to call it quits? with ttwd not each other.

Please Advise!!!

Well, this post topic has been flopping around in my head for a while now and I thought I would Ask for some advice from all of my new friends here in blogland. 
How do you get from A (lack of consistency) to B (consistently consistent hehe).
Now I know many will say, it takes time and communication and so on...I know that.  What I need help on is being submissive when he isn't consistent. 

Last year we did a complete kitchen renovation.  It was horrible and wonderful at the same time.  Floors torn out, cabinets gone, the stove and fridge moved out of the kitchen which meant no cooking for the duration of the renovations.  However, in 1 week our kitchen was ripped apart and my husband was able to complete everything from building my new cabinets and laying new tile floor etc..in that time! It was amazing, he is amazing!  When he puts his mind to something it really gets done and not sloppily either.  Anyways, there were only two things missing from my new kitchen- 2 cabinet drawers, there was space for them but we ran out of time and it just wasn't a priority since I had another place for silverware and dish towels.  I was ecstatic to finally have the kitchen of my dreams!  So for 7 months we went on and one day while I was gone to the store I came home to find that my sweet husband had built my new drawers.  they are fabulous, very close to the dishwasher so it makes putting silverware away quick now.  The only problem was I was so used to going to the other side of the kitchen everytime i needed a spoon or a fork, now that I had new drawers, I still found myself walking across the kitchen to get to the old silverware drawer.  Finally I started realizing and stopping myself midway across the kitchen and going to the new drawer, but that took over a week to get to that point. even now I find myself sometimes turning to go to the old drawer instead of the new one.  Why?
The new drawer is beautiful, organized and efficient.  The old drawer (which isn't even in the kitchen anymore, just the memory) was ugly, cramped and took quite a bit of time and effort to accomplish a simple task, getting a spoon!  So why would i still be heading toward that old drawer after all this time?
Habit, I guess.  For 14 and some odd years I have used that old drawer, now that there is something new and better available I love it (the new one) and I wouldn't want to go back to the old inefficient way of the past, but using that new drawer just hasn't become automatic, yet.  It will but it will just take a few more trips half-way across the kitchen before it starts to register.
Now, I know that this is probably the way my husband feels about ttwd, it's new. It's beautiful! It's much more efficient than fighting or silent treatment for days.  But he's in that in between stage, that transition between forming a new habit and letting go of an old "drawer".  The problem comes in because it leads to what feels like (inconsistency) almost like saying you're going to do something but then do not follow through.  So as the submissive, what do I do?  Do I take the reins for a bit and say "hey remember what you said you would do?" or do i sit back and watch him make pointless trips half way across the kitchen over and over?  I know he will get there but in the meantime, how do i handle the feelings that follow with inconsistency? Should I even discuss it with him? We've talked about it before but I stopped nagging when we started ttwd and I certainly don't want to start nagging about this, so I am looking for advice my sweet friends.  Will my submissive attitude be enough to break the old habit eventually or is it appropriate to have this conversation yet again?  Should I start some sort of journal and present it to him once a week? I don't know, Help!!!

Thanks
Sassafrass

Bear Hugs and Prayers

I hope everyone had a fabulous 4th of July, although it seems there are those that spent their 4th struggling and some that continue.  Our family's prayers go out to little Emily, Jim, Christina and their family as well as Bas and his family.  It's amazing how I don't know either one of them but I know the love this community has for them all and that in itself is a testament to them.
Continuing to send Bear Hugs and prayers from our little corner of the world.

Sassafrass

Wall Time, Really??

When we first restarted ttwd we had a brief discussion about other forms of consequences such as removal of privileges (my coffee maker L), corner time and etc… well, we never agreed to do any type of corner time or bedroom time but it was something I mentioned during one of our conversations; but I said I didn’t think it would be anything I would do, because it seemed more like a “Time-out” and I doubted that it would be effective, soooo we moved on in our discussions and never really discussed it again. 

Last night we had a little “tiff” about ttwd which gradually escalated to a full blown argument by the time we went to bed.  I wanted some sort of reconnect and he was not in the mood, but instead of saying I want to wait till Friday he said maybe.  Maybe?? I hate Maybe.  So it felt as if he was just accommodating me and I hate that.  By the time we got in bed he wanted to talk and I was distancing, I don’t like to feel vulnerable or rejected and yet that was how I was feeling.  I tried to explain that to him but it didn’t come out that way and after asking me multiple times to stop talking at him, he raised up and grabbed the blankets that were over me and I knew he was going to spank me, not the reconnect kind.  Then it came out of my mouth…

“You don’t get to do this, tonight!!!”  What??? Did I really just say that to him?  Stunned, He said “How’s this suppose to work if I don’t get to act on this situation?”  Now I know I should have probably stopped right, there and said “Okay, honey.  You’re right. I asked for this dynamic and now I am ‘tying your hands’, so I will accept whatever consequences you see fit to administer.”  Somehow those words got lost between my brain and my mouth so what actually came out was more like “Not tonight!!!!” and then I jerked the blankets back and rolled over. Okay, now 3 things were running through my mind:

What the heck are you saying, stop it. He’s trying, be patient.

Who does he think he is?  He can’t tell me, no and then get mad and throw me over his knee!

If he does spank me now then I’ve won, this battle.  That’s what started this whole thing I wanted a reconnect tonight instead of Friday, he said no, and it pissed me off!  But I didn’t want to win this battle, not like that.  I didn’t want him to think I manipulated him into it.  So I said no.

He got out of bed and said we’ll talk more after you’ve cooled off.  And with that he went outside on the porch.  Now this is our usual argument cycle, we fight he gets mad and retreats, falls asleep or goes outside (he doesn’t leave the house) he just escapes, and I lay in bed and get upset that he doesn’t care about the situation.  Sometimes I’m the one that ends up on the porch, but last night it was him.  While I laid in bed I knew that he would come upstairs and go right to sleep like nothing was wrong.  He would be indifferent, it wouldn’t matter!! So after about 5 -10 minutes he came back to bed and I laid there, not saying anything, I was fuming…I was preparing for the inevitable indifference or for the conversation where he says, this isn’t working so we’re gonna stop ttwd. 

Silence….

Then all of a sudden he spoke:

“You awake?”

“Yes, why?”

“I want you to do something.”

“What?”

“Get out of bed.” Now for a fleeting moment I thought “Certainly, he won’t kick me out of my own bed!  Would he?”

I got out of bed and walked over to his side and stood there with my hands on my hips.

“Walk over to the wall and face that spot beside the window.”

“What? Why?”

“You’re gonna stand there for 10 minutes”

  “Ummm, I don’t do corner time! Oh,  h#%$$ no.

He grinned raised his eyebrows and said “Well you do tonight, and your working on making it 15 minutes.

Indignantly I turned to face the wall.

I was mad; it was the same anger stage I go through with an actual spanking.  I guess he could tell I was mad, so he said, quit huffing and puffing!  I did.  That was probably the most boring thing I have ever had to do, no talking, moving around or heavy breathing noises.  It stunk! 

He knew I was still angry so he said, take off your short bottoms, and you’ll only have 2 more minutes to stand there. 

I looked over my shoulder at him and said, “No, thanks.  I finish my time with them on.”  Wow, really?? It was like my mouth wouldn’t stop!!  I figured he’d give up and say okay then you can just finish your time.  Nope, He said well you can take them down with a good attitude and only have 2 minutes left or you can take them down reluctantly and stay there for 7 more minutes.  Wait a minute; did he just add more time??  Yep, and so the shorts hit the floor.  Now before anyone chimes in about this being a sexual playtime, it wasn’t.  He knows that my clothing is a wall I hide behind, I don’t like to be naked, partially or otherwise (it makes me feel vulnerable and out of control) that’s the message I got loud and clear, “stop trying to control the situation, be vulnerable to him, communicate with him (not at him) and he will be worthy of my trust.”   Then it happened…

All this time I had been worried that he wasn’t seeing the benefits of ttwd and now he has issued a consequence (quite wisely, I might add) of his own choosing.  When my time was up he told me to get back in bed and come and lay on his chest.  When I looked up at him he kissed my forehead and began talking. 

He said, “Ttwd is not always going to be fun or easy, but I want you to know I am in this not because of you but because it is working for us.  This is much better than fighting all night or being mad at each other for days”  

You know what, he’s right.  As I type this I can’t explain the love I have for this man, it is indescribable.

 

 

Exclamation Points Equal Red Bottom

TTWD is a two-sided coin, what I mean is it is customizable which is great but the other side is trying to find out what works for us.  Now, I could call him Sir all day long and it wouldn’t make a hill of beans to him I could forget to wash his undies or socks and his arm would not start twitching; however, I found out Monday, hanging up on him followed by a sarcastic text with lots of exclamation points can really get his arm swinging. 

Here’s a little background, usually when my husband is working and in the middle of something he doesn’t answer his phone.  So when I called to ask about his schedule for the evening so that I could make plans about the kids extra-curricular activities- I didn’t know he was in the middle of something, he never said “hey, I’m busy” or “I’m moving something heavy or holding something heavy.”  Sheesh set it down already!  So I went on with my discussion and when he got a little snippy I hung up on him.  I was furious because the call was actually to let him know that I had things under control and I had worked out a plan so he wouldn’t have to come home early…ain’t I an angel?  After hanging up on him I sent him a “sweet” text about my plan and included lots of caps and exclamation points.  Now before we started ttwd, if I would have hung up the phone on him he wouldn’t have called back or said anything later either he would have ignored it, been indifferent.  I hate indifference!!!  Not Monday, he called me back about 15 minutes later and said,  I was not trying to be mean, I was actually stuck under a house and I only had one free hand at the time.  (The other was holding something heavy).  He wanted to answer the phone because he wanted to make sure it wasn’t an emergency.  (Very new, not his normal style). Anyone got a rock i can crawl under? Anyone?

Here he was busy and still took the time to answer his phone, and I attacked him for it.  Even though we both had good reasons for feeling stressed I was the only one that escalated it.  He did apologize for sounding snippy on the phone and said we would talk later.  When we did talk he picked up his phone opened his texts and started counting the exclamation points, out loud.

One

I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were busy.

Two,

Why would you answer your phone, anyway?

Three,

I was trying to make your evening less stressful and you got mad at me

Four,

And on and on…..

When he set the phone down, he told me he almost came home to take care of it immediately.

What????

He explained that I had better be careful next time I want to hang up the phone or send nasty exclamation-filled texts because it only takes him 5 minutes to get to the house and he will gladly take the time, if it happens again. 

He took care of things that night, and my phone is full of sweet texts and the exclamation button is getting a rest, unlike my backside ;)

I hope everyone's week is going well and that all your texts are sweet! (Dang it!  Where did those exclamations come from? Blasted, sneaky suckers!!).

 

 

 

Bear Hugs and prayers

Praying in our corner of the world!

A Quickie

Yes, I know what some of you are thinking, tsk,tsk! 

A "quickie" romp in the hay? No.

A "quickie" for him?  No.

A "quickie" spankin'? No, although I have had a few of those lately.  You know the "straighten up or else" swats. 

A "quickie" post? yes. 

I've been doing some serious thinking about ttwd and how we as a couple define it.  So the best way i knew how to start that process was to write about it.  The problem is the post isn't finished and it continues to grow.  Maybe eventually I'll be able to post part of it but in the mean time I just wanted to pop in and say things are going quite well.  We've had several lengthy discussions as well as "quickies" since he read my last post and I have been pleasantly surprised with the insight I am getting from these discussions.  Tonight is maintenance and even though he has had an extremely stressful week, he reminded me this morning of our "appointment" tonight.  I received a sweet call to check on me while I was traveling today and received a strong-armed hug from him when he got home.  I think there is hope for ttwd and it seems communication is the key.

Stunt drivers, transitions and boot camp????

I am not a stunt driver however these days I feel like one…

The best analogy I have ever heard for ttwd and Dd is the car scenario.  You can only have one driver, both can be in the front of the vehicle but only one can drive.  It makes perfect sense and I agree completely and I want my husband in the driver’s seat.  The problem comes in when we are trying to change seats.  Life doesn’t stop and so neither has our car…I feel like we are heading down the interstate at 70 miles an hour and we are trying to change seats. 

 Tricky stuff, right? 

If you’ve ever seen an action movie when two people have to change positions in a high speed chase it doesn’t look easy and at some point in the scene there will be no one holding the steering wheel.  That’s what I feel like today. 

 We are in transition, he’s climbing over the car console to trade with me and I am trying to scoot under him and we are both reaching for the steering wheel.  Sometimes he has it firmly in his hand and then other times it feels as though his foot or something may be stuck and he lets go to take care of that, I freak out and jerk the wheel back and almost make us crash!!!  This ttwd is definitely changing the way we do things around here, I just wish we could stop the car and calmly open our respective doors get out of the car and return to our new seats, then start driving again.   But how do we do that, life doesn’t stop nor does it slow down for us these days.  Maybe some sort of bootcamp would be a safer transition?  I don’t know.  I am sure the transition will never be easy or always permanent (I’m sure there will need to be reminders and such) it just feels sort of …reckless. I hope I am making some sort of sense but I doubt it.  Until his HoH bottom is firmly planted in the driver's seat and my bottom is firmly planted in the passenger seat here I sit straddling the console under him; one hand on the wheel and one hand wrapped around him, balancing and praying that God will help him guide this car during the transition and that if we both let go for a moment then atleast God will have the wheel. 

If you all have any advice on the transition or boot camp or stunt driving I’d love to hear it! 

Testing, Testing....Is this thing working?

A few days ago we had to sit down and define some real rules and expectations.  When we first started his idea was no definite rules but I could set some goals and he would enforce those along with the requirement of respect.  Sounded great...in theory.  The first week went well, then the second week was okay and the third week was unproductive (on my part).  I asked if we could talk about it after the kids went to bed and he agreed. 

I don't think this is working.  I've gotten a few "punishment" spankings and yet I still feel unfocused.

So you need more rules? More...punishments?

I dunno, maybe.  At least some structure.  I need to know what really matters to you too.

Okay, go get some paper and we will write down a few expectations- each of us.

Here's some of what he wrote down

 

 

TO DO: Everyday

 

Make Bed No problem I do that anyway.

 

Laundry until caught up (Not in baskets in the chairs in the living room)

Isn't that where it's suppose to go so the kids can find their socks in the morning?

 

Kitchen straightened after dinner You know I have to feed everyone again tomorrow?!!?

 

5 to 10 minutes a day spent in the living room area

 

Exercise (some kind of activity everyday) This was my goal now it is his requirement.  I started well but didn't do anything in this area for three days straight.

 

Then he wrote this:

Options for me to take after 3 violations for which you have already gotten spankings

 

I can take your coffee maker *gasp* I must have passed out and started mumbling in an unconcious state "I don't consent to that" because at the bottom of the page he wrote in big letters-

 

Eyebrows Down!!

I don't need your consent, No I don't!

Because I said SO!!

 

There were other options also but the coffee maker????  Really??

 

I guess he knows how to motivate because I walked 2 miles today!

 

What motivates you all?? Is there a specific amount of spankings, privileges taken or rewards given?

 

Disclaimer: I didn't really pass out, it was added for dramatic effect, and my coffemaker still sits in all of its Caffienated glory on my kitchen counter, although I think it did start to leak some tears that night at the thought of us being separated for a short time. :(

 

 

 

 



Easy Breezy...Not Quite!

This should be easy…

Well, that’s what I thought going into ttwd this time around.  I really thought that since I had been working on this respect thing for the past 7 months or so without any prompting then the respect would be the easy part.  That is until we had one heck of a disagreement while out to dinner with family and friends.  He did something I did not agree with and I began brooding during dinner to the point that I even gave him my infamous raised eyebrows at the dinner table, that look that says you’re in big trouble!  I give that look to my kiddos all the time and I have a bad habit of throwing them his way too. 

 He was beside me during dinner and tried to put his arm around me (he’s not a PDA kinda guy, but has recently started showing affection in public) instead of snuggling up to him, I did the unthinkable, I pulled away and sat with my arms crossed or picked at the food on my plate the entire evening.   I was so pissed I couldn’t see straight, it was really ridiculous looking back but at the time, I truly couldn’t stop myself from brooding.  The worst part was the poor guy didn’t have a clue what he had done.  He even put his hand on my leg and I moved it!!!  He stayed calm through the whole dinner and on our way home we talked, well I talked and I told him what he did wrong (with eyebrows raised and all) and promptly expected an apology, at which time he said I’ll deal with this later tonight.  What???? I had already forgotten about what he was allowed to do and for a fleeting moment my stomach dropped.  That didn’t last long and I rebutted, “I don’t think so!”  I haven’t the slightest idea where that last statement came from, except I guess I expected him to forget about it and not follow through anyways. Maybe it was momentary insanity at the time and I truly didn’t understand his determination this time around.  With that statement I received an “icy” look from him that stopped my sassy mouth in its tracks.  Needless to say after the kiddos were in bed we got into bed, our conversation went something like this:

What are you doing, sassafrass?

I'm going to sleep.  (Pulling the covers over me)

I don’t think so, I told you I would deal with this tonight.

Deal with what? You owe me the apology.  (I couldn’t stop it from sneaking out.  In my head I was thinking, there’s no way I will lay across his lap for this he acts like he didn’t do anything wrong.)

You know “what”, for your hateful attitude during dinner and your sassy mouth on the way home.

He must have known I wouldn’t lay across his lap so he said, on your knees.  I defiantly rolled over and assumed the position he requested and gave him a “You wouldn’t dare” look over my shoulder.  Well he dared and for the first time since we started ttwd he spoke quite a bit during.  It is amazing the communication that opened afterwards.  I apologized for my attitude and he said he understood why I was upset but that next time I need to talk “with” him- not “at” him.  He held me and we talked some more.    

So it looks as if I have a quite a bit of work to do.  I am so glad he followed through and I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for him wondering if he should dare to tame my sharp tongue or not.  It’s like this little monster takes over my mouth sometimes and I can’t stop it.  At least the little booger doesn’t make appearances as frequently as before but I think my husband is on a mission to squash that hateful little monster once and for all, and frankly I hope he succeeds!     

My Sassy Mouth

Hello, blogland.  I'm Miss Sassafrass well...thats what my husband calls me sometimes, mainly because my "sassy" mouth has a tendency to get me into trouble.  Unless of course, my foot happens to be firmly lodged in it.  My husband loves my fun and sassy side but it is the angry and disrespectful sassafrass that he needs to "rein" in.  We have been married for over 14 years and we have always had what I considered a good marriage but for reasons which I will share in later posts, we started incorporating Domestic Discipline over the last month or so.  I have been a "Lurker" on many Dd blogs for over a year now, and I am finally stepping out to say hello.  Thanks to Rogue for her encouragement and advice. I hope to gain some insight into ttwd so advice and comments are appreciated. 

Sassafrass