Wall Time, Really??

When we first restarted ttwd we had a brief discussion about other forms of consequences such as removal of privileges (my coffee maker L), corner time and etc… well, we never agreed to do any type of corner time or bedroom time but it was something I mentioned during one of our conversations; but I said I didn’t think it would be anything I would do, because it seemed more like a “Time-out” and I doubted that it would be effective, soooo we moved on in our discussions and never really discussed it again. 

Last night we had a little “tiff” about ttwd which gradually escalated to a full blown argument by the time we went to bed.  I wanted some sort of reconnect and he was not in the mood, but instead of saying I want to wait till Friday he said maybe.  Maybe?? I hate Maybe.  So it felt as if he was just accommodating me and I hate that.  By the time we got in bed he wanted to talk and I was distancing, I don’t like to feel vulnerable or rejected and yet that was how I was feeling.  I tried to explain that to him but it didn’t come out that way and after asking me multiple times to stop talking at him, he raised up and grabbed the blankets that were over me and I knew he was going to spank me, not the reconnect kind.  Then it came out of my mouth…

“You don’t get to do this, tonight!!!”  What??? Did I really just say that to him?  Stunned, He said “How’s this suppose to work if I don’t get to act on this situation?”  Now I know I should have probably stopped right, there and said “Okay, honey.  You’re right. I asked for this dynamic and now I am ‘tying your hands’, so I will accept whatever consequences you see fit to administer.”  Somehow those words got lost between my brain and my mouth so what actually came out was more like “Not tonight!!!!” and then I jerked the blankets back and rolled over. Okay, now 3 things were running through my mind:

What the heck are you saying, stop it. He’s trying, be patient.

Who does he think he is?  He can’t tell me, no and then get mad and throw me over his knee!

If he does spank me now then I’ve won, this battle.  That’s what started this whole thing I wanted a reconnect tonight instead of Friday, he said no, and it pissed me off!  But I didn’t want to win this battle, not like that.  I didn’t want him to think I manipulated him into it.  So I said no.

He got out of bed and said we’ll talk more after you’ve cooled off.  And with that he went outside on the porch.  Now this is our usual argument cycle, we fight he gets mad and retreats, falls asleep or goes outside (he doesn’t leave the house) he just escapes, and I lay in bed and get upset that he doesn’t care about the situation.  Sometimes I’m the one that ends up on the porch, but last night it was him.  While I laid in bed I knew that he would come upstairs and go right to sleep like nothing was wrong.  He would be indifferent, it wouldn’t matter!! So after about 5 -10 minutes he came back to bed and I laid there, not saying anything, I was fuming…I was preparing for the inevitable indifference or for the conversation where he says, this isn’t working so we’re gonna stop ttwd. 

Silence….

Then all of a sudden he spoke:

“You awake?”

“Yes, why?”

“I want you to do something.”

“What?”

“Get out of bed.” Now for a fleeting moment I thought “Certainly, he won’t kick me out of my own bed!  Would he?”

I got out of bed and walked over to his side and stood there with my hands on my hips.

“Walk over to the wall and face that spot beside the window.”

“What? Why?”

“You’re gonna stand there for 10 minutes”

  “Ummm, I don’t do corner time! Oh,  h#%$$ no.

He grinned raised his eyebrows and said “Well you do tonight, and your working on making it 15 minutes.

Indignantly I turned to face the wall.

I was mad; it was the same anger stage I go through with an actual spanking.  I guess he could tell I was mad, so he said, quit huffing and puffing!  I did.  That was probably the most boring thing I have ever had to do, no talking, moving around or heavy breathing noises.  It stunk! 

He knew I was still angry so he said, take off your short bottoms, and you’ll only have 2 more minutes to stand there. 

I looked over my shoulder at him and said, “No, thanks.  I finish my time with them on.”  Wow, really?? It was like my mouth wouldn’t stop!!  I figured he’d give up and say okay then you can just finish your time.  Nope, He said well you can take them down with a good attitude and only have 2 minutes left or you can take them down reluctantly and stay there for 7 more minutes.  Wait a minute; did he just add more time??  Yep, and so the shorts hit the floor.  Now before anyone chimes in about this being a sexual playtime, it wasn’t.  He knows that my clothing is a wall I hide behind, I don’t like to be naked, partially or otherwise (it makes me feel vulnerable and out of control) that’s the message I got loud and clear, “stop trying to control the situation, be vulnerable to him, communicate with him (not at him) and he will be worthy of my trust.”   Then it happened…

All this time I had been worried that he wasn’t seeing the benefits of ttwd and now he has issued a consequence (quite wisely, I might add) of his own choosing.  When my time was up he told me to get back in bed and come and lay on his chest.  When I looked up at him he kissed my forehead and began talking. 

He said, “Ttwd is not always going to be fun or easy, but I want you to know I am in this not because of you but because it is working for us.  This is much better than fighting all night or being mad at each other for days”  

You know what, he’s right.  As I type this I can’t explain the love I have for this man, it is indescribable.