I'm Jealous!!

I'm so jealous!!!

The past 3 weeks have been so very trying for me and an emotional roller coaster.  There were many times I wanted to just pick up the phone and call my best girlfriend and share everything that was going on, but I couldn't. :( She really wouldn't understand and the last thing I need right now is judgement.  I couldn't post because we were busy away from the computer, on vacation and just dealing with the "busyness" of life.

So here I am, jealous...
wishing I had an "IRL" dd friend.
I know we all do. I just hate that I can't talk about dd things and emotions with my real life friends and family, and I can't go into too much detail in my blog posts, so.... here I am jealous!!

If you have a face to face friend that you can confide in or talk with hug them today because there are those of us that would love to have that.

Still Here, Just Not Sure About Things

Hi, friends, I've missed you all terribly!  We've been on vacation from work and from dd/ttwd not sure where we are right now. I'm confused and unsure of where his head is these days and I wish I could change it but I can't.  I love him with or without this dynamic and I know that we will be okay either way. I just feel like I'm in limbo.  I want a full-on commitment to ttwd or a full-on stop of it.  I can't keep bouncing back and forth.  He says he wants this, but he wants to tweak it and that's good but I'm not sure I can follow his lead when it is sporadic or only when convienient for him.  It's not a shift in our relationship, it just seems like a game we are playing when life doesn't get in the way.  I think we have 2 different ideas of what this should look like and maybe we need to call it quits? with ttwd not each other.

Please Advise!!!

Well, this post topic has been flopping around in my head for a while now and I thought I would Ask for some advice from all of my new friends here in blogland. 
How do you get from A (lack of consistency) to B (consistently consistent hehe).
Now I know many will say, it takes time and communication and so on...I know that.  What I need help on is being submissive when he isn't consistent. 

Last year we did a complete kitchen renovation.  It was horrible and wonderful at the same time.  Floors torn out, cabinets gone, the stove and fridge moved out of the kitchen which meant no cooking for the duration of the renovations.  However, in 1 week our kitchen was ripped apart and my husband was able to complete everything from building my new cabinets and laying new tile floor etc..in that time! It was amazing, he is amazing!  When he puts his mind to something it really gets done and not sloppily either.  Anyways, there were only two things missing from my new kitchen- 2 cabinet drawers, there was space for them but we ran out of time and it just wasn't a priority since I had another place for silverware and dish towels.  I was ecstatic to finally have the kitchen of my dreams!  So for 7 months we went on and one day while I was gone to the store I came home to find that my sweet husband had built my new drawers.  they are fabulous, very close to the dishwasher so it makes putting silverware away quick now.  The only problem was I was so used to going to the other side of the kitchen everytime i needed a spoon or a fork, now that I had new drawers, I still found myself walking across the kitchen to get to the old silverware drawer.  Finally I started realizing and stopping myself midway across the kitchen and going to the new drawer, but that took over a week to get to that point. even now I find myself sometimes turning to go to the old drawer instead of the new one.  Why?
The new drawer is beautiful, organized and efficient.  The old drawer (which isn't even in the kitchen anymore, just the memory) was ugly, cramped and took quite a bit of time and effort to accomplish a simple task, getting a spoon!  So why would i still be heading toward that old drawer after all this time?
Habit, I guess.  For 14 and some odd years I have used that old drawer, now that there is something new and better available I love it (the new one) and I wouldn't want to go back to the old inefficient way of the past, but using that new drawer just hasn't become automatic, yet.  It will but it will just take a few more trips half-way across the kitchen before it starts to register.
Now, I know that this is probably the way my husband feels about ttwd, it's new. It's beautiful! It's much more efficient than fighting or silent treatment for days.  But he's in that in between stage, that transition between forming a new habit and letting go of an old "drawer".  The problem comes in because it leads to what feels like (inconsistency) almost like saying you're going to do something but then do not follow through.  So as the submissive, what do I do?  Do I take the reins for a bit and say "hey remember what you said you would do?" or do i sit back and watch him make pointless trips half way across the kitchen over and over?  I know he will get there but in the meantime, how do i handle the feelings that follow with inconsistency? Should I even discuss it with him? We've talked about it before but I stopped nagging when we started ttwd and I certainly don't want to start nagging about this, so I am looking for advice my sweet friends.  Will my submissive attitude be enough to break the old habit eventually or is it appropriate to have this conversation yet again?  Should I start some sort of journal and present it to him once a week? I don't know, Help!!!

Thanks
Sassafrass

Bear Hugs and Prayers

I hope everyone had a fabulous 4th of July, although it seems there are those that spent their 4th struggling and some that continue.  Our family's prayers go out to little Emily, Jim, Christina and their family as well as Bas and his family.  It's amazing how I don't know either one of them but I know the love this community has for them all and that in itself is a testament to them.
Continuing to send Bear Hugs and prayers from our little corner of the world.

Sassafrass

Wall Time, Really??

When we first restarted ttwd we had a brief discussion about other forms of consequences such as removal of privileges (my coffee maker L), corner time and etc… well, we never agreed to do any type of corner time or bedroom time but it was something I mentioned during one of our conversations; but I said I didn’t think it would be anything I would do, because it seemed more like a “Time-out” and I doubted that it would be effective, soooo we moved on in our discussions and never really discussed it again. 

Last night we had a little “tiff” about ttwd which gradually escalated to a full blown argument by the time we went to bed.  I wanted some sort of reconnect and he was not in the mood, but instead of saying I want to wait till Friday he said maybe.  Maybe?? I hate Maybe.  So it felt as if he was just accommodating me and I hate that.  By the time we got in bed he wanted to talk and I was distancing, I don’t like to feel vulnerable or rejected and yet that was how I was feeling.  I tried to explain that to him but it didn’t come out that way and after asking me multiple times to stop talking at him, he raised up and grabbed the blankets that were over me and I knew he was going to spank me, not the reconnect kind.  Then it came out of my mouth…

“You don’t get to do this, tonight!!!”  What??? Did I really just say that to him?  Stunned, He said “How’s this suppose to work if I don’t get to act on this situation?”  Now I know I should have probably stopped right, there and said “Okay, honey.  You’re right. I asked for this dynamic and now I am ‘tying your hands’, so I will accept whatever consequences you see fit to administer.”  Somehow those words got lost between my brain and my mouth so what actually came out was more like “Not tonight!!!!” and then I jerked the blankets back and rolled over. Okay, now 3 things were running through my mind:

What the heck are you saying, stop it. He’s trying, be patient.

Who does he think he is?  He can’t tell me, no and then get mad and throw me over his knee!

If he does spank me now then I’ve won, this battle.  That’s what started this whole thing I wanted a reconnect tonight instead of Friday, he said no, and it pissed me off!  But I didn’t want to win this battle, not like that.  I didn’t want him to think I manipulated him into it.  So I said no.

He got out of bed and said we’ll talk more after you’ve cooled off.  And with that he went outside on the porch.  Now this is our usual argument cycle, we fight he gets mad and retreats, falls asleep or goes outside (he doesn’t leave the house) he just escapes, and I lay in bed and get upset that he doesn’t care about the situation.  Sometimes I’m the one that ends up on the porch, but last night it was him.  While I laid in bed I knew that he would come upstairs and go right to sleep like nothing was wrong.  He would be indifferent, it wouldn’t matter!! So after about 5 -10 minutes he came back to bed and I laid there, not saying anything, I was fuming…I was preparing for the inevitable indifference or for the conversation where he says, this isn’t working so we’re gonna stop ttwd. 

Silence….

Then all of a sudden he spoke:

“You awake?”

“Yes, why?”

“I want you to do something.”

“What?”

“Get out of bed.” Now for a fleeting moment I thought “Certainly, he won’t kick me out of my own bed!  Would he?”

I got out of bed and walked over to his side and stood there with my hands on my hips.

“Walk over to the wall and face that spot beside the window.”

“What? Why?”

“You’re gonna stand there for 10 minutes”

  “Ummm, I don’t do corner time! Oh,  h#%$$ no.

He grinned raised his eyebrows and said “Well you do tonight, and your working on making it 15 minutes.

Indignantly I turned to face the wall.

I was mad; it was the same anger stage I go through with an actual spanking.  I guess he could tell I was mad, so he said, quit huffing and puffing!  I did.  That was probably the most boring thing I have ever had to do, no talking, moving around or heavy breathing noises.  It stunk! 

He knew I was still angry so he said, take off your short bottoms, and you’ll only have 2 more minutes to stand there. 

I looked over my shoulder at him and said, “No, thanks.  I finish my time with them on.”  Wow, really?? It was like my mouth wouldn’t stop!!  I figured he’d give up and say okay then you can just finish your time.  Nope, He said well you can take them down with a good attitude and only have 2 minutes left or you can take them down reluctantly and stay there for 7 more minutes.  Wait a minute; did he just add more time??  Yep, and so the shorts hit the floor.  Now before anyone chimes in about this being a sexual playtime, it wasn’t.  He knows that my clothing is a wall I hide behind, I don’t like to be naked, partially or otherwise (it makes me feel vulnerable and out of control) that’s the message I got loud and clear, “stop trying to control the situation, be vulnerable to him, communicate with him (not at him) and he will be worthy of my trust.”   Then it happened…

All this time I had been worried that he wasn’t seeing the benefits of ttwd and now he has issued a consequence (quite wisely, I might add) of his own choosing.  When my time was up he told me to get back in bed and come and lay on his chest.  When I looked up at him he kissed my forehead and began talking. 

He said, “Ttwd is not always going to be fun or easy, but I want you to know I am in this not because of you but because it is working for us.  This is much better than fighting all night or being mad at each other for days”  

You know what, he’s right.  As I type this I can’t explain the love I have for this man, it is indescribable.

 

 

Exclamation Points Equal Red Bottom

TTWD is a two-sided coin, what I mean is it is customizable which is great but the other side is trying to find out what works for us.  Now, I could call him Sir all day long and it wouldn’t make a hill of beans to him I could forget to wash his undies or socks and his arm would not start twitching; however, I found out Monday, hanging up on him followed by a sarcastic text with lots of exclamation points can really get his arm swinging. 

Here’s a little background, usually when my husband is working and in the middle of something he doesn’t answer his phone.  So when I called to ask about his schedule for the evening so that I could make plans about the kids extra-curricular activities- I didn’t know he was in the middle of something, he never said “hey, I’m busy” or “I’m moving something heavy or holding something heavy.”  Sheesh set it down already!  So I went on with my discussion and when he got a little snippy I hung up on him.  I was furious because the call was actually to let him know that I had things under control and I had worked out a plan so he wouldn’t have to come home early…ain’t I an angel?  After hanging up on him I sent him a “sweet” text about my plan and included lots of caps and exclamation points.  Now before we started ttwd, if I would have hung up the phone on him he wouldn’t have called back or said anything later either he would have ignored it, been indifferent.  I hate indifference!!!  Not Monday, he called me back about 15 minutes later and said,  I was not trying to be mean, I was actually stuck under a house and I only had one free hand at the time.  (The other was holding something heavy).  He wanted to answer the phone because he wanted to make sure it wasn’t an emergency.  (Very new, not his normal style). Anyone got a rock i can crawl under? Anyone?

Here he was busy and still took the time to answer his phone, and I attacked him for it.  Even though we both had good reasons for feeling stressed I was the only one that escalated it.  He did apologize for sounding snippy on the phone and said we would talk later.  When we did talk he picked up his phone opened his texts and started counting the exclamation points, out loud.

One

I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were busy.

Two,

Why would you answer your phone, anyway?

Three,

I was trying to make your evening less stressful and you got mad at me

Four,

And on and on…..

When he set the phone down, he told me he almost came home to take care of it immediately.

What????

He explained that I had better be careful next time I want to hang up the phone or send nasty exclamation-filled texts because it only takes him 5 minutes to get to the house and he will gladly take the time, if it happens again. 

He took care of things that night, and my phone is full of sweet texts and the exclamation button is getting a rest, unlike my backside ;)

I hope everyone's week is going well and that all your texts are sweet! (Dang it!  Where did those exclamations come from? Blasted, sneaky suckers!!).

 

 

 

Bear Hugs and prayers

Praying in our corner of the world!